I’ve only been awake for 5 hours and it feels like too long. All I want to do is crawl back into my bed and burrito myself up in a pile of blankets staring at the wall numb until I either feel something or fall asleep. The only thing I’ve been feeling lately is disappointment. Disappointment that I’m still here. I was doing well for awhile but there are always going to be down days or weeks. I keep thinking that it will get easier and the down days won’t be as bad as the last but they are unpredictable. It seems like the better I’m doing overall, the worse I feel when the bad days hit. I am so hard on myself for having emotions when they are not positive ones. It is hard for me to admit that even the bad or negative emotions serve some sort of purpose. Everything we feel, we feel for a reason. We might not always know what the reasons are but there is a purpose for every emotion you experience.
I am still learning how to be forgiving of myself for being human. To be completely honest, I am super unhappy with almost every aspect of my life. I have grown so much as a person and mentally I am doing so much better than I ever have been. I have overcome a lot over the past couple of years and I should be incredibly proud. It is so easy to focus on how far you have left to go instead of how far you have come. I need help celebrating my victories, no matter how small. It’s only been 5 hours and although I might be miserable about being out of bed- at least I got out of bed. Compared to a year or two ago, just leaving bed at all is a huge accomplishment.
Something about being sad is so draining. I feel exhausted. It’s taking everything in me not to give into those urges of crawling back into bed or forcing myself to sleep. As much as I want to sleep, I know it won’t serve me well. I will be unhappy whether I stay awake or force myself to sleep. Today is just a write off, and that’s okay. Not everyday is meant to be a happy day. It’s only been 5 hours, but I can survive a few more, and so can you.