Sometimes I find myself fighting with my emotions and trying to bottle them up. I know feeling things and showing emotions are good but there are moments where having them make me feel weak. Makes me feel like I am incapable of handling things on my own. I so badly want to feel unaffected by things around me but it’s not that easy unfortunately. The things around me do impact me more than I care to admit.
Why do we chose to ignore our feelings and bottle up our emotions when we know ultimately that makes things worse? Does it help us feel more put together? I know it helps me feel like I appear to be more okay, but on the inside I feel like I’m bursting from the seams with pain and hurt. I’m hurting myself more than helping myself by not allowing me to feel or to express myself. I’ve been feeling quite robotic lately. Earlier today I was quite overwhelmed and found myself staring aimlessly out of a window with a couple of tears starting to form and I immediately wiped them away and got angry with myself. Angry that I can’t keep things inside and that I didn’t have better coping mechanisms to help me from becoming overwhelmed. Mainly, I’m just mad that I’m not okay. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable but the moments I have been- have always been worth it.
The thing about depression is that it lies to you. It convinces you that emotions are bad, and things will never get better. Sometimes it is so hard to recognize what is true and what is a lie you’re telling yourself. There are so many moments I convince myself that I am a burden and that people are better off without me. In these moments it is so hard for me to tell what is real and what isn’t- I feel like maybe these things I tell myself are true and I look for the proof in my conversations and interactions. It’s really hard to decipher what is going on sometimes. In these moments, I do need help. Reassurance is really nice to have. Helps me realize what is the truth and what is in my head. Battling with trying to figure out reality is exhausting and makes me feel legitimately crazy. You are not crazy- that is your depression again and depression lies to you. Depression also tells you that emotions are bad and that is false. Emotions are telling us about things that we are not dealing with or addressing. Things we push away because it’s easier to not deal with it.
It’s time to trust your emotions. It is a skill that takes time and practice. I am still learning it myself. I have to keep telling myself that feelings are not a bad thing. I have to remind myself of those times that I’ve been emotional and how it’s been helpful and healing. I think one of the main reasons I have been angry today is because I was feeling and doing so much better for a little while. There are days that you feel like you’ve gone backwards. Those days suck. But it is normal. It’s part of the process. I think it’s important to keep in mind that the recovery process is not a straight line. There will be ups and there will be downs but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t moving forwards. Like I always say, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I believe that is especially true with the recovery process. If recovery was easy then no one would be struggling still. Today, for me, is a bad day. Bad days are going to happen and I’m okay with that. Just talking myself out of the negative thoughts in my head is hard to do in these moments. If you are struggling with these thoughts too- please find someone to share them with. You are so strong for battling those thoughts in your head- don’t let your depression convince you otherwise. We will get through this. We can get through it together. We are never alone in this. Reach out to me or anyone else. I have some resources posted if you need them. You are so strong and brave and together we will get through this.