I typically try to generalize my posts and not go too far into personal details in hopes more people can relate, but I feel the need to vent and share more personalized struggles.
Last year I made the most difficult decision to leave my job and focus on my mental health. My job was my entire life for years and without it I felt completely lost but I wasn’t okay anymore. I couldn’t in good conscience work anymore while I couldn’t fully keep focus or energy levels up to excel and do my best. Once I stopped working I applied for disability. I took 3 months to fill out all the forms. Until I was approved for funding 8 months later, I did small jobs when I was able to.
During this past year I had my car taken and crashed, fought with the insurance company for months, been screwed over by taxes, had significant weight gain, and had friendships fade. I have never felt more alone and helpless in my entire life. After years of suppression and denial, I finally took the leap to overcome my traumas and past abuse. Recently, part of my funding was put on hold until more paperwork is received but getting in contact with my worker has been very difficult. After I paid rent and one bill, I have been left with less than $20 for the month. I am quite used to financial troubles but my mentally instability has rendered me to be completely devastated and overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling as though I am not even worthy of living. I have a hard time caring about myself to even take my meds (which do help), leave my house, or even brush my hair most days.
I’ve been on waiting lists for groups for over a year now and I’m losing faith. I often feel as though people do not take me seriously because I can appear to be okay. I have been told I am dramatic whenever I do open up. It’s hard for me to be vulnerable because I am often met with judgement and rudeness. I act tough a lot of the time but I am actually quite sensitive. I feel highly misunderstood and unimportant most days. I have no idea what to do anymore. When you feel this hopeless you just want to give up completely. I struggle a lot with suicide ideation especially while I am trying to refrain from self-harm. I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am currently and it was really hard to get approved for a mental health leave. I want to make the best of it and remember how to be a person again. I want this pain to end. My heart honestly aches thinking that others might feel as horrible as I do. I’m trying to make the most out of the resources out there but it is a waiting game and I am running out of patience.
If anyone else is in the same boat as I am with this waiting game and is in need of more immediate support, please reach out to me. I know it’s hard not to feel like we are alone in this. I am in need of some extra support and love these days. Making these posts helps me a lot and I hope they help some others too.