The only thing in my head is, “You should have went back and jumped off that bridge. You should have went back. You should have tried again. You should have tried again.” And it’s repeating itself over and over again. The last time I was on that bridge was two years ago and I still think about it often. Truth be told- I have not been okay lately. Not even in the slightest.
I go through periods where I’m doing awesome and I have hope and ambitions but the periods that I’m bad- I’m really bad. I’m not eating for days bad, forcing myself to sleep so I don’t have to deal with the fact of my existence bad, I’m crying for hours in bed bad. I’m still making little steps everyday like attending groups, taking my meds, even doing a half hour workout but as soon as I’m done I’m back in bed thinking about death. I feel so stuck and so painfully alone. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you’re in this kind of state. It’s not a state you ever want anyone to see you in or know that you are in. You worry that if people know how bad you are doing that they will worry about you and you really don’t want that. You don’t want the guilt of knowing people are worrying. You also don’t want the fact that they know you aren’t okay so they might keep an extra eye on you. You don’t want that because you want that escape route if need be. It’s a horrible way to think and it’s a horrible way to be but that is just my reality right now.
Things are really really tough right now and I don’t have any answers. I’m on disability and that is hard to live on. I struggle to eat and pay my bills with the little income I have. Now I’m stressed out with having to find a new home. Where the hell do I go when I don’t have money or support? My car was stolen and crashed two years ago and I still don’t have that resolved. My car was the only thing keeping me alive and keeping me going. Without it I haven’t been the same.
My options are limited and my resources are few to none. I’m panicking all the time because I don’t want to exist anymore but I’m here and I have to figure out what to do next and where to go from here. The easiest thing for me to do would be to give up, but I can’t. Not yet. As much as I believe I want to die, I believe I just want to feel something else. I don’t want these extra struggles on top of my internal ones. So where do you go from here? How do you crawl out from the deepest hole you’ve ever been in?