Inadequate is a word that I use to describe myself. I grew up believing that I was not good enough, I was not worthy, and I was in every sense- inadequate. Even to this day I still believe those things. I see all the negatives, all my flaws and I truly believe I will never be good enough. I will never be good enough not just for others, but for myself.
Lately I’ve been putting myself before others and it’s a tough thing to do. Sometimes it feels like shifting the attention to myself isn’t the best thing to do and I’m just complicating my life further. It is hard to convince yourself that you are worthy and that you deserve love and support. There will always be people who will try to make you feel bad for putting yourself first. Sometimes these people are the ones closest to us. Don’t listen to them- you know yourself best and you are important.
Over the past few months I have been starting to see my worth and my value. It takes a lot of energy to be positive. It’s draining to ignore everything about yourself that you hate and to go against what you grew up believing.
These past few months I was given this amazing opportunity which was way out of my comfort zone but I jumped on this chance the moment it arose. I toured across Canada going into schools speaking and telling my story. Touring across the country with people you’ve only known for a couple of weeks, and going into schools and other people’s homes is something I never thought I would or could have done. I really pushed myself these past few months. One thing I haven’t shared about this experience though is how much I struggled the entire time mentally. I struggled so much with feeling inadequate, feeling like I don’t belong, and feeling alone. Another thing I haven’t shared is that I left tour. I left a month early. I was struggling and I wasn’t able to get the level of care, support or even respect I felt that I deserve and need. That is something really hard for me to admit. Through this experience and interacting with students it helped me see my worth, value, importance and helped me grow. I have found my voice and it’s now louder than ever.
A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to make a hard decision for myself- especially one that was in my best interest. I needed to go home and get the support I need. It would have been an easier decision to stay and let myself be miserable. I encourage everyone to take care of themselves and do what’s in their best interest and I need to start doing that for myself. I still struggle with feeling like I’m not enough and only seeing the negatives about myself but there is also a lot of good. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see it and I need help to see it. I’ve been trying to see the good in the worst situations.
After I left, I wasn’t sure if I would come to regret it or not. I was really sad to have left but I think it was for the best. I am really happy and thankful for that experience and I wouldn’t change anything about it. I’ve been told lately that 3/4 months is good or that I tried my best. The wording of those statements kind of make it seem like what I did is considered to be a failure. I don’t see this as a failure at all. I think deciding to leave shows how strong I am and shows how I am finally seeing my worth. I am worthy of being cared for, and I deserve to get help and support. A year ago I never would have had the courage to leave any situation or even be able to recognize and vocalize that I wasn’t okay. I’m really proud of myself for being able to step back, see I wasn’t okay and to go seek help.
I still have a lot of days of feeling inadequate, today being one of them, but it’s important to keep in mind that bad days will happen too and I still deserve good things regardless of my negative self image. Today is a really bad day and I don’t feel like I’m enough but I’m not going to stop trying. When I’m having a better day I will be happy I didn’t give up. I’ll never get better if I stop trying so I hope that you and I never give up no matter what is going on around us. I am not alone, you are not alone and we are both stronger than we think. Reach out when you are struggling and know when it is in your best interest to walk away. Never be ashamed to take care of yourself. You will be the best thing you ever invest in.