Depression has this funny way of making you tired all the time. It doesn’t matter how much sleep you have gotten or how little energy you use- you will always be extremely tired. I’ve always struggled with chronic fatigue but lately it’s been hitting me harder and taking a toll on me so much more. I am completely unable to sleep during the night and find myself sleeping all day and taking naps after being awake for only a few hours. I know continuing this cycle just makes me more tired but it’s so hard to break out of it. My brain is overactive at night making it impossible to relax. I don’t have the strength, motivation or will power to get out of bed anymore. Sleep is hard to come by so I do take every opportunity I get to sleep- even when it isn’t needed.
I feel so misunderstood lately. I’m perpetually sad and tired and it is completely debilitating. Everything in my life has been suffering because of this. My appetite, diet, activity, chores, hygiene and relationships. I can’t be bothered to even brush my hair or wash my face most days. It makes me feel pathetic. This is really where the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness come in. I’ve always been self sufficient but for the past while I haven’t been able to care for myself in the slightest. I definitely am my own worst enemy but there are so many days where I don’t know who I am or don’t even feel like myself anymore. It feels like a stranger is trapped in my head. Even just the thoughts and feelings that I constantly have are exhausting. It’s a constant tug of war within myself.
I want to get better and I want to feel better, I don’t know how to get there. It seems near impossible to fix and battle with the demons in your head when you don’t even have the energy to brush your own hair. Even doing the simplest tasks are so much more difficult for me than most people will ever understand. You won’t understand unless you go through it yourself. Baby steps are the only way I’m able to achieve anything nowadays but that’s still better than nothing. It’s hard to think that one day I’ll be better than I am now but I know I will get there- just not anytime soon.
If you feel alone in this too- please reach out to me. My circle is very small so it’s hard not to feel alone but I know there are others who understand what I’m going through and it helps to connect and feel understood without judgement. I might be tired and sometimes slow but I will always respond to someone who needs support or someone who just wants to chat. Please don’t give up. I want to give up too but I won’t- for now I’m just going to go back to sleep.