As most people know I am quite an impulsive person. I have always had an easy time going new places or trying new things. I bet it might shock some to hear that I struggle with my anxiety a lot- even though I’m capable of doing so many nerve-racking things. Everyday life and everyday things are incredibly scary and difficult for me. The fight, flight, or freeze response is almost always on for me.
Lately, the term “agoraphobic” has been used a lot to describe me and how I am in my everyday life. Reading the description- it sounds exactly like me. It’s classified as a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear actual or anticipated situations. Quite usually people who suffer with this struggle with leaving home alone, using public transportation, or even something as simple as waiting in a line.
I often avoid these situations in fear of the uncertainty and the unknown outcome. I don’t feel prepared to leave my house alone and deal with these things as they come my way. I like to be prepared- I often over prepare. I can’t go to a restaurant without looking up the menu first to see if there will be anything I like, and I often have to get someone to order for me and sit in a corner that makes me feel like the restaurant is smaller than it is. I’m not scared of being social or social situations, even though it may seem that way, I’m scared of the possibility that I may become too scared or overwhelmed in those situations. The fear of fear itself keeps me isolated and hidden in my home.
When I do leave my house, I almost always have to have someone with me. Even with people with me I quite often cry in public from being overwhelmed and over stimulated. While that doesn’t bother me as much, I am worried as to how it will affect others around me. I feel as though I’m inconveniencing everyone around me and it is an uncomfortable feeling melting down in public.
For the past few months I have completely given in to the urge to stay at home and seclude myself. It’s easier for me to avoid those feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling like a burden. I used to constantly push my limits to do things I knew made me uncomfortable and anxious. There really hasn’t been a downfall to pushing myself out of my comfort zone- I’m still here and I’ve conquered everything thus far. Sometimes it’s so much easier to let these things define us. I am an incredibly anxious person but I still want to be adventurous. I’ve been working extremely hard to become this fearless person. I don’t think it’s bad to feel anxious- but it becomes a bad thing quickly when it redirects your entire life.
To anyone else who feels super anxious or over stimulated in any sort of situations- I would highly recommend making a grounding kit! I tend to carry mine when I know I’m going to be going to a place that makes me uncomfortable. It can be such an amazing tool! Even just talking to someone about your feelings can be a huge relief. If you ever need to talk, I am always here. Please message me if you’re ever struggling. I get it. I struggle too.