I’ve been feeling a lot of shame for the past few months. It’s held me back from posting and talking openly. As some of you might know, I am pretty much an open book-there isn’t much that I am uncomfortable talking about. It’s so easy for me to talk about my anxiety, depression, trauma, etc., but I am completely uncomfortable and ashamed talking about body image. It’s really hard to admit and announce that I am deeply ashamed of my own body image.
I never would have imagined how much my negative body image would impact me in my everyday life. It prevents me from leaving the house, I’m constantly second guessing myself, I’m always hiding, I’m very mean and self-critical about my appearance. I even stopped posting photos -especially full body pictures. Growing up being very small and underweight I was always praised for being tiny. I didn’t know how much that was engrained into me until I started gaining weight.
I cannot tell you how many times I have bawled over my size and not having clothes that fit me. I am so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed that I have cried over something so superficial. I didn’t realize how much of my self-worth is tied to my body image.
Depression brings a lot of self-hate but this is a new type of self-hatred. I can find the beauty so easily in others and everything else, but beauty or confidence within myself is inconceivable. It took so many years for me to find any sort of worth and pride in myself and this terrible body image I have has been destroying me all over again and dimming those positive things I once saw. I hid for so many years with my mental illness and I refuse to let this isolate myself any longer. It’s time for me to acknowledge my self-esteem issues and talk to a professional about it. I see my psychiatrist next week and I feel like I’m finally ready to open up about this more. It is exhausting hating yourself and I am so tired of being tired.