After my latest breakdown late last week, I can proudly say that these last few days I have felt better than I have in months. Leading up to my breakdown I had the usual struggles of feeling and thinking that I wasn’t good enough, I’m not valuable and no one actually wanted me around. I’ve been trying really hard to survive on my own without any forms of self harm and within that time I completely let my dark thoughts take over. I feel so guilty most of the time because of how often I think of taking my own life and how it’s often something I’m longing for. I really do want to feel better but I am far too exhausted to keep going most days.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I’m still here and I’ve never really had an answer. I’m honestly still not even completely sure why I’m here. All I know is that I just want to connect with people who can relate to me and let them know that they are okay and not alone. I know I have a lot of back and forth days, but I do believe it gets better. I think I’m here to dedicate my life to others struggling. To help them find their voice, their courage, assist them in finding help or just to listen to them. I want to be the person that I need for everyone who also needs that person. Within my journey I have found that I need others more than I would like to admit. And that is okay. You can’t do this completely alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is so much support around and unfortunately sometimes you have to go looking for it.
While I was in the midst of my latest breakdown, I was asked what support looks like to me. That briefly stumped me. When I think of support I typically mean someone to talk to but it made me think of other types of support and what I specifically need. I think that was a question that I needed to be asked. Maybe that’s something you should ask yourself too. I’ve come to realize that the type of support I need the most is company. I thrive when I have others around me and I often get too caught up in my head while I’m alone. As it was pointed out to me, that is something I cannot expect people to just know. I need to work on expressing when I need someone around me.
I’ve been really really struggling to tell people how I’ve been feeling all because I’ve had some bad experiences this past month after reaching out for help. I know that not every experience is going to be positive and I’ve had worse experiences without letting it deter me. I tell everyone that I talk to that they can’t let a few bad incidents discourage them from continuing to seek treatment or help. Why the heck was I not taking my own advice!? That definitely was a bad move on my part to keep pushing everything off and hiding. Ultimately though, I’m glad I went through this.
As I sat on this ground sobbing with my head between my legs while pulling at my hair while two of my newest friends sat around in silence as I gasped for air, I was met with a level of care I did not expect. I felt heard, validated and equal. In those moments I always expect to feel like I’m less than others who seemingly have their shit together, but that wasn’t the case. I always say that things have to get worse before they get better and I know this was one of those moments. It’s hard to appreciate these moments sometimes but I am pretty thankful this happened. Stars can’t shine without darkness, right?
Although, I’m still not too sure why this specific meltdown affected me so much and led to this much positivity, but I’m so grateful it did. I can’t tell you the last time I felt truly content. I’m typically kind of a miserable person and these few days my mind has been a more peaceful place to be. I’ve found myself genuinely smiling or smirking at little things while looking out the window, listening to music or enjoying a road trip sing-a-long. Goes to show that not all “bad” moments are truly bad. These can be blessings in disguise. What helps me most is talking, partnered with company, but overall conversations are where I’m able to find the most strength, peace and growth. Please don’t let yourself be too scared or nervous to reach out. It is so worth it. Even the bad times. Keep going. No matter what.