Negativity is the worst habit I have. When it comes to myself- I am the most negative thinker there is. I fully believe that, whoever is reading this, you are loved and you are going to be okay no matter what you are going through. I believe that you will conquer anything life throws your way and that things will get better.
Unfortunately- I do not think that way about myself. I do not believe things will get better or that I will be okay and I feel alone and that I’m not that loved. I have a horrible feeling of constant rejection. I feel that I do not fit in and I don’t belong anywhere.
Lately, I’ve been constantly surrounded by amazing individuals who are passionate about many of the same things I’m passionate about and I somehow still feel out of place. I have this lingering feeling of being unwanted and not good enough. I really struggle with these toxic thoughts and beliefs. I have crazy self-doubt and pretty much no self-worth.
I find myself constantly holding back or silencing myself because I feel more comfortable in the background and I feel like that’s where I belong- if I even belong anywhere. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m wanted or liked. I struggle with liking myself so I can’t fathom the idea of others liking me even in the slightest.
With this negativity there are a lot of bad traits that go along with it. There’s the isolation, silence, self-harm, feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and lots of suicide ideation.
I have always struggled with being social but the main cause lately is due to the fact I do not feel worthy of anyone’s time or even worthy of being alive.
I know I’m not the only one who feels like this but while I go through this new journey I do feel extremely alone. I always want to quit, give-up and go home. I just want to hide myself from the world until I can’t feel anything anymore or harm until I can only feel physical pain instead of emotional.
I don’t like to open up to others about these types of feelings mainly for the reason that I don’t want to annoy anyone or think that I’m looking for sympathy. I feel too much like a burden already and I shouldn’t need constant reassurance like I want to have. It is really nice to feel wanted. I try to let others know as much as I can how much they are wanted and appreciated and I often feel like no one feels that way about me.
I don’t know who I reach with my posts or if I even reach anyone at all for that matter- but all I want to do is prevent others from feeling the way that I do. I desperately want others to feel hope. It took me 13 years to feel any glimmer of hope and I do not want anyone to suffer or feel alone through their intrusive thoughts too.
Everyday is a constant struggle to get myself out of bed, put on a smile and tell myself that I belong. I still don’t fully believe it but it is something I am working on. I grew up truly believing like I wasn’t good enough and now it’s time to reverse that type of thinking.
I’m not used to feeling cared for and so I don’t believe it’s true. I really struggle with the concept that others could accept me and want me around. When you’re so used to that negativity, any sort of positivity feels untrue. How could it be true? How long until it goes away? I believe it’s going to be a short term thing and that feelings of being accepted will be short lived. It’s only a matter of time until everyone sees what I see in myself.
Many of these feelings are probably untrue- but my brain is constantly fighting with me. I’m trying to be more comfortable around others so please bare with me while I fight these inner demons. Our brains have a funny way of telling us all these untrue things that we believe.
I am worthy of love and hope, and so are you. We are enough and we are not burdens. Please hang in there. I’m still here, and so are you. I got this. You got this. Just remember that our track record for conquering all of our bad days are 100% and I’m so thankful for that.