A couple weeks ago I was completely and utterly done with life. I felt the way I usually do- hopeless, pathetic, lost, sad, defeated, tired and in pain. I had enough of it. I always try my best to want to be here on earth but it isn’t fun being somewhere that you honestly do not want to be. Sometimes your depression gets so bad that it convinces you that the best option is to end your life. This is where I have been for quite a while. I can’t ever shake that feeling of wanting to die. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. It’s like an itch I cannot scratch. I dream of suicide, I have a plan, I have written notes and given things away, I am completely prepared but I have yet to take steps to actually end my life. I am in constant fear of snapping and impulsively ending it. This is where I came to be a couple weekends ago.
If you know the typical feelings of depression you know how awful and haunting they are but it eventually gets to a point of numbness and not caring anymore and those are the moments that make me worry the most. I get overwhelmed sometimes, easily, without any signs or triggers. I felt trapped in my brain and I gave up. I do not want to be in this pain anymore and I want a permanent solution. I want to die- I truly believe I would rather be dead than to be here. I want it all to end. I was calm while walking down to the bridge. I stood there looking at the water in complete content. It was so welcoming. I wanted to sit on the ledge and potentially jump. I put one leg over the ledge and while trying to propel my other leg over my boot got stuck in the railing. I lost it. I was so frustrated. “I can’t even sit or jump off a bridge correctly,” I kept thinking to myself. I never feel like I am good enough and feel like a fuck-up and this completely solidified how I felt. I had a meltdown. I was in hysterics because my dumb boot was stuck while I was trying to climb over and I felt defeated. I felt like such an idiot. I so badly wanted to be on that ledge.
Luckily, I was able to contact someone and they helped me calm down. They listened to me sob and gasp for air. They talked to me as I walked home. I spent the rest of my night sitting and staring at the wall completely empty until I eventually felt tired enough to crawl into bed and sleep. I still am disappointed of the results from that night. Sometimes I do not know the difference between wanting to be dead and just not wanting to feel the way that I do. They quite often go hand in hand.
I have been too unmotivated lately to write about this but I think it is important for people to know- sadly there are so many other people who feel this exact same way. I get told a lot that no one would ever perceive that I am as depressed as I am by how I represent myself in person.
It is quite often the people you least suspect or the ones who seem strongest that are struggling most. I know it is hard to reach out to people when you are as low as I was, and am, but I really hope that anyone else who is ever in dire need of someone has the strength and motivation to reach out. You might not feel like you matter- but you do. You matter so very much. Our brains are just stupid sometimes and we honestly truly believe a lot of things that are not true. It’s a battle within myself to try to realize what is true and what is not. I know I matter- I do not matter to myself- but I matter. I feel unable to help myself but I really hope to help others. I do not want anyone to ever feel the way I do.
Please make a list of people to contact if you are in distress. Make it when you are in a good mindset and carry it with you when you can or just keep it in your mind. Sometimes you might need to go through the list a little bit to reach someone but please do not get discouraged. People care. I have honestly tried to contact over 7 people before while in crisis mode without getting any responses and I am still here and fighting. There are so many resources and numbers to contact that you can always rely on. Try them out if you need to. To anyone else struggling- please do not give up. Let’s fight this shit together.
If anyone ever needs to talk please message me! I will totally give my number to anyone who needs someone to talk to!!