I know myself well enough to know I am not doing well. As much as I encourage others to reach out, I still struggle to myself. It has played a big part in my writing and posting lately. I used to be so fearless talking about things that I was struggling with and now I’m so hesitant to speak about myself at all. I haven’t always been met with kindness or empathy. Often I’ve been met with anger, judgement, sympathy or annoyance. These type of reactions greatly discourage people to speak up if they are going through a hard time. I am completely guilty of letting these reactions revert to bottling everything in and isolating myself. When I speak so openly about my mental illnesses and my overall mental health, I am not looking for ‘someone to feel sorry for me’. I am not using my poor mental state as excuses or trying to use them in a way to guilt people. I find it completely shattering to think that some people think that if you’re transparent about your mental health that you are trying to use it against them somehow. Mental health is already hard enough to talk about, so let’s encourage and validate those who speak openly. These conversations need to be had.
These conversations will not be easy. They will not be comfortable and that is okay. Talking is one of the greatest therapies out there and all anyone really wants is support or some form of validation. Even if you’re not completely understood-being told that your feelings are valid and it’s understandable why you feel a certain way is such a comfort. I’m so used to being stuck in my head and tearing myself apart that when I am vulnerable, if I am met with any sort of aggression I immediately believe and blame every negative thing about myself. Depression isn’t logical. Anxiety isn’t logical. PTSD is not logical. No mental illness is. There is so much that we do not understand ourselves, let alone being able to portray that to someone else.
It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. And it’s okay to talk about those times. I know myself well enough to know that every passing day that I’m acting as if I’m better than I am, that I am actually getting closer to that ledge I almost jumped off two and a half years ago. Everyday that I go without being authentic and talking about my current struggles, the more and more hopeless I feel. Once you lose hope it can be quite hard to find. If you need to talk to someone, please push through your insecurities and reach out to someone. I’ll admit that not every interaction you’ll have will be a great one, but you will be surprised at how many are great. There are so many great call and text lines that I often forget about but there are always options. Get a paper and write your support numbers down and put it in your wallet or write them in your phone in your notes so you always have them on you.
It is so easy to become engulfed in our own mental state and forgot how important and cared for we actually are. It’s hard to see any glimmer of hope sometimes. Hope is there. It took me a very long time to find it and I started seeing it more and more as I kept speaking out about mental health. It is okay to struggle and it is okay to acknowledge your struggles too. We can’t improve or ‘fix’ things we are unaware of. Be true to yourself and how you are feeling- how you are really feeling. I promise that so many people care and that there is hope. Don’t give up on hope. There will be some days where hope is the only thing we have. Stay strong and know that I’m always here for whoever needs me.