How often do you feel like you have to hide how you really feel? Are you worried or in constant fear that you will be judged if anyone knew how you really felt? That’s how I feel almost everyday.
There is something terrifying about being vulnerable. I have always tried to appear tough and have dealt with everything on my own. It’s a hard thing to admit that I can’t do it all on my own and I need other people. I need help- but I don’t want to let others know how I’m really doing.
I think one of my main fears about opening up to people and being honest about how I feel on a daily basis is that I don’t want others to worry about me. For as long as I can remember- I’ve had an underlying feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. That partnered with my suicide ideation, makes me worried that people are going to assume negative things about me. I don’t want anyone thinking I am less capable of doing things than someone else who may not be struggling or to put me in these categories or stereotypes that come with mental illnesses. I constantly push myself and challenge the boundaries that my mental illnesses and society have put on me.
Sometimes things are harder for me than they are for other people, but just because I am depressed or anxious doesn’t make me less able to do anything. I just have a harder time of getting myself started and I doubt myself the entire time.
Nowadays I am doing something completely out of my comfort zone and I am beyond excited but I am also beyond overwhelmed and so scared. I know I am pushing myself so much and I never stop believing that I am not good enough and am unworthy of anything other than darkness and loneliness. I have really been struggling with feeling like I belong anywhere and I am constantly unhappy, lonely, and I’m still thinking about not existing. I’m having a really hard time letting anyone know how uncertain I am to be where I am in life or just alive at all.
I’m afraid to be met with judgement and a lack of understanding. I am so used to feeling judged and misunderstood and I don’t think at this moment in time I could bare it- so I keep everything to myself. Which I know isn’t a good idea but especially now when it’s getting harder to get through the days. I deeply care for everyone else around me that I do not want to burden them or make them worried.
I encourage everyone to open up about what they are going through and I recognize how hard and daunting of a task that can be. I even still struggle with it. I have had a few days where I have opened up to some people and shared with them my true feelings and struggles and those moments and conversations have always gone far better than I ever anticipate them to. By being silent I have made things more difficult for myself. I always feel better when I share and when I’m honest. I highly encourage you to do the same.
I’m still learning and I’m still fighting. We don’t have to suffer in silence. By opening up and sharing our thoughts and feelings, it can help you feel a thousand times lighter. If you replace I with WE, illness becomes wellness. I don’t have to do this alone and neither do you.