I always say that things have to get worse before they get better, and while I do believe that’s true- I do also believe we can play a part in how bad we allow things to get. I’ve always kind of been one to just let things happen and play things out even if I know that it’s not a good thing for me. These past couple of weeks I’ve really been struggling between letting things play out for me and taking control. I am not an assertive person, whatsoever, so trying to take control of a situation is especially difficult for me. Lately I have found myself feeling more miserable than usual. Even though I have been part of something I loved and that gave me purpose-It wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t taking care of myself and I thought that maybe by waiting it out things would somehow get better.
There are a lot of things I cannot control when it comes to my depression and anxiety, but I can decide to challenge it and I can control my surroundings. Surroundings play a huge part in how we feel. I do know that during my recovery process that no matter where I am- I will always have that underlying depression and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Luckily, I am able to control my environment, which can help in moments to dull those horrible feelings. If I am constantly in a place where I feel overwhelmed, judged, unsafe, or just in a negative setting- I will always think and feel negative and let my dark thoughts take over.
I’ve been able to reflect on how badly I’ve been feeling lately and what kind of environment would help me and from there I was able to adjust and change things around me so I feel more comfortable. I have realized that I need support more than I realize. I crave making connections and being able to speak very openly and raw about how I feel and I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to do that lately. I started reverting to my old ways of bottling things up and isolating myself. I let the demons in my head get the best of me to the point where no matter what I did I was unable to feel anything other than misery.
These past few months have been far out of my comfort zone and that’s been really good for me. I was able to learn a lot about myself that I never would have learned otherwise. My psych has always encouraged me to do things that make me anxious and every time that I have, it has been really rewarding. Even though I have struggled over the past few months, I’m thankful for where I am now. I let myself be miserable and realistically it would have been an easier decision for me to decide to stay where I was and let myself be miserable. But, through all of this I have finally been able to see my value. I decided to leave what was an unhealthy environment for me and do what is ultimately best for me. In the past I would never have thought to leave but after all this time I see that I do not need to ride things out and be unhappy because it’s an easy thing to do. It is terrifying taking this leap and deciding to allow myself to be surrounded with the support I need. I’m used to suffering in silence but I don’t need to suffer and I do not need to be silent. I have grown so much this year and I’m really proud that I was able to make such a big decision with confidence and not feel bad for trying to care for myself. I am able to balance doing things that I love and supporting others while also getting support for myself. Pride is not a feeling I am used to but I do hope it is one I will feel often from here on.
If you feel stuck or unhappy- please find a way to try to get out. Whatever that might look like for you. Leaving a bad environment, relationship, or job. You deserve whatever is best for you. Don’t let your mind trick you into believing anything else. You are worthy of love, safety and hope. If you ever need someone to reach out to, please send me a message! I will always listen without judgement and I can connect you with other resources if you prefer to speak with someone else. There are things we can control and to help ourselves while we are fighting with the demons in our heads.