Having both severe depression and anxiety is really exhausting. It’s a constant struggle between caring too much and not caring at all. I often retreat from social situations because of how hard it is for me to even try to make plans. I don’t like uncertainty. It makes me panicky. And if anything changes it’s sometimes incomprehensible. Depression makes you think and believe horrible things about yourself and anxiety makes you worry that maybe everyone else feels that way about you too. Social settings can be difficult because you’re not always able to shake that feeling. I don’t really care what people think about me but i will be uncomfortable around people due to my feelings about myself. It’s hard not to overthink and to overreact. Little things are huge obstacles or problems to you and it’s very real. You honestly really believe that you are inadequate and you can’t shake it. I’ve been struggling a lot with my anxiety lately. I think so many awful things about myself and even if I know I’m being irrational it’s not a thought process I can easily break. I’m tense in essentially every single circumstance. When you have generalized anxiety you have no moments of relaxation whatsoever.

Please bare with me guys when I’m in social situations. Im trying my best.

I harmed myself today. I almost made it two months without self harming. Why did I do it? I feel like a failure, a let down, I’m constantly overwhelmed, and I’m tired of feeling the regular hurt and pain I feel daily. I like the feel of this pain. It’s different, it’s something I can control. I can’t control the pain I feel through depression. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I don’t know how to cope. Today was one of those days. I’m ashamed now but at the time it was a relief. It was a break from the war in my mind. I always feel so weak when I cave into the temptations of self harm. It’s an easy fix. A temporary band-aid to whatever else is going on in my mind. I feel so terribly weak when I harm but I need to remind myself that I’m still here, it could have been worse. Trying new ways to cope with wanting to self harm is tough. There’s a lot of trial and error. Some things will work, others won’t. What kind of things do others do to avoid self harming? Snapping elastic bands on my wrist keeps me from doing worst, most of the time.

What do you do?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I’m going to be honest. I don’t want to be here anymore. I personally have been struggling with self harm and wanting to end my life. The thought is always in the back of my mind and when I’m asleep- I’m dreaming about it. It’s something I can’t seem to get away from-and that’s terrifying. I am always so worried that I am going to snap and that will be the end of me. It is exhausting. I don’t even know why I am here anymore. I am thankful to be here in this moment so that I can openly speak about this. (Even though I don’t do that enough.) I am trying very hard to find a purpose here and a will to live. I really do love helping others. I have more hopes and belief for others than I do myself. To anyone else out there who can relate to me; you are not alone in this and you do not have to tackle this alone. You are not crazy for the way you feel. With the experiences that I have been through it has been hard for me to believe that anyone else can understand completely but I have found so many others who have been through similar situations. It’s easier to talk to someone else who is going through the same thing.

If anyone ever wants someone to vent to or someone to just listen, please message me at any moment. There are so many helpful resources out there but they can be hard to find. If you need help finding resources for yourself or others send me a message so I can forward some along.