Sometimes I find myself fighting with my emotions and trying to bottle them up. I know feeling things and showing emotions are good but there are moments where having them make me feel weak. Makes me feel like I am incapable of handling things on my own. I so badly want to feel unaffected by things around me but it’s not that easy unfortunately. The things around me do impact me more than I care to admit. 

Why do we chose to ignore our feelings and bottle up our emotions when we know ultimately that makes things worse? Does it help us feel more put together? I know it helps me feel like I appear to be more okay, but on the inside I feel like I’m bursting from the seams with pain and hurt. I’m hurting myself more than helping myself by not allowing me to feel or to express myself. I’ve been feeling quite robotic lately. Earlier today I was quite overwhelmed and found myself staring aimlessly out of a window with a couple of tears starting to form and I immediately wiped them away and got angry with myself. Angry that I can’t keep things inside and that I didn’t have better coping mechanisms to help me from becoming overwhelmed. Mainly, I’m just mad that I’m not okay. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable but the moments I have been- have always been worth it. 

The thing about depression is that it lies to you. It convinces you that emotions are bad, and things will never get better. Sometimes it is so hard to recognize what is true and what is a lie you’re telling yourself. There are so many moments I convince myself that I am a burden and that people are better off without me. In these moments it is so hard for me to tell what is real and what isn’t- I feel like maybe these things I tell myself are true and I look for the proof in my conversations and interactions. It’s really hard to decipher what is going on sometimes. In these moments, I do need help. Reassurance is really nice to have. Helps me realize what is the truth and what is in my head. Battling with trying to figure out reality is exhausting and makes me feel legitimately crazy. You are not crazy- that is your depression again and depression lies to you. Depression also tells you that emotions are bad and that is false. Emotions are telling us about things that we are not dealing with or addressing. Things we push away because it’s easier to not deal with it. 

It’s time to trust your emotions. It is a skill that takes time and practice. I am still learning it myself. I have to keep telling myself that feelings are not a bad thing. I have to remind myself of those times that I’ve been emotional and how it’s been helpful and healing. I think one of the main reasons I have been angry today is because I was feeling and doing so much better for a little while. There are days that you feel like you’ve gone backwards. Those days suck. But it is normal. It’s part of the process. I think it’s important to keep in mind that the recovery process is not a straight line. There will be ups and there will be downs but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t moving forwards. Like I always say, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I believe that is especially true with the recovery process. If recovery was easy then no one would be struggling still. Today, for me, is a bad day. Bad days are going to happen and I’m okay with that. Just talking myself out of the negative thoughts in my head is hard to do in these moments. If you are struggling with these thoughts too- please find someone to share them with. You are so strong for battling those thoughts in your head- don’t let your depression convince you otherwise. We will get through this. We can get through it together. We are never alone in this. Reach out to me or anyone else. I have some resources posted if you need them. You are so strong and brave and together we will get through this. 

After my latest breakdown late last week, I can proudly say that these last few days I have felt better than I have in months. Leading up to my breakdown I had the usual struggles of feeling and thinking that I wasn’t good enough, I’m not valuable and no one actually wanted me around. I’ve been trying really hard to survive on my own without any forms of self harm and within that time I completely let my dark thoughts take over. I feel so guilty most of the time because of how often I think of taking my own life and how it’s often something I’m longing for. I really do want to feel better but I am far too exhausted to keep going most days. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I’m still here and I’ve never really had an answer. I’m honestly still not even completely sure why I’m here. All I know is that I just want to connect with people who can relate to me and let them know that they are okay and not alone. I know I have a lot of back and forth days, but I do believe it gets better. I think I’m here to dedicate my life to others struggling. To help them find their voice, their courage, assist them in finding help or just to listen to them. I want to be the person that I need for everyone who also needs that person. Within my journey I have found that I need others more than I would like to admit. And that is okay. You can’t do this completely alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is so much support around and unfortunately sometimes you have to go looking for it. 

While I was in the midst of my latest breakdown, I was asked what support looks like to me. That briefly stumped me. When I think of support I typically mean someone to talk to but it made me think of other types of support and what I specifically need. I think that was a question that I needed to be asked. Maybe that’s something you should ask yourself too. I’ve come to realize that the type of support I need the most is company. I thrive when I have others around me and I often get too caught up in my head while I’m alone. As it was pointed out to me, that is something I cannot expect people to just know. I need to work on expressing when I need someone around me. 

I’ve been really really struggling to tell people how I’ve been feeling all because I’ve had some bad experiences this past month after reaching out for help. I know that not every experience is going to be positive and I’ve had worse experiences without letting it deter me. I tell everyone that I talk to that they can’t let a few bad incidents discourage them from continuing to seek treatment or help. Why the heck was I not taking my own advice!? That definitely was a bad move on my part to keep pushing everything off and hiding. Ultimately though, I’m glad I went through this. 

As I sat on this ground sobbing with my head between my legs while pulling at my hair while two of my newest friends sat around in silence as I gasped for air, I was met with a level of care I did not expect. I felt heard, validated and equal. In those moments I always expect to feel like I’m less than others who seemingly have their shit together, but that wasn’t the case. I always say that things have to get worse before they get better and I know this was one of those moments. It’s hard to appreciate these moments sometimes but I am pretty thankful this happened. Stars can’t shine without darkness, right? 

Although, I’m still not too sure why this specific meltdown affected me so much and led to this much positivity, but I’m so grateful it did. I can’t tell you the last time I felt truly content. I’m typically kind of a miserable person and these few days my mind has been a more peaceful place to be. I’ve found myself genuinely smiling or smirking at little things while looking out the window, listening to music or enjoying a road trip sing-a-long. Goes to show that not all “bad” moments are truly bad. These can be blessings in disguise. What helps me most is talking, partnered with company, but overall conversations are where I’m able to find the most strength, peace and growth. Please don’t let yourself be too scared or nervous to reach out. It is so worth it. Even the bad times. Keep going. No matter what.