I’ve been feeling a lot of shame for the past few months. It’s held me back from posting and talking openly. As some of you might know, I am pretty much an open book-there isn’t much that I am uncomfortable talking about. It’s so easy for me to talk about my anxiety, depression, trauma, etc., but I am completely uncomfortable and ashamed talking about body image. It’s really hard to admit and announce that I am deeply ashamed of my own body image. 

I never would have imagined how much my negative body image would impact me in my everyday life. It prevents me from leaving the house, I’m constantly second guessing myself, I’m always hiding, I’m very mean and self-critical about my appearance. I even stopped posting photos -especially full body pictures. Growing up being very small and underweight I was always praised for being tiny. I didn’t know how much that was engrained into me until I started gaining weight. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have bawled over my size and not having clothes that fit me. I am so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed that I have cried over something so superficial.  I didn’t realize how much of my self-worth is tied to my body image. 

Depression brings a lot of self-hate but this is a new type of self-hatred. I can find the beauty so easily in others and everything else, but beauty or confidence within myself is inconceivable. It took so many years for me to find any sort of worth and pride in myself and this terrible body image I have has been destroying me all over again and dimming those positive things I once saw. I hid for so many years with my mental illness and I refuse to let this isolate myself any longer. It’s time for me to acknowledge my self-esteem issues and talk to a professional about it. I see my psychiatrist next week and I feel like I’m finally ready to open up about this more. It is exhausting hating yourself and I am so tired of being tired. 

I know myself well enough to know I am not doing well. As much as I encourage others to reach out, I still struggle to myself. It has played a big part in my writing and posting lately. I used to be so fearless talking about things that I was struggling with and now I’m so hesitant to speak about myself at all. I haven’t always been met with kindness or empathy. Often I’ve been met with anger, judgement, sympathy or annoyance. These type of reactions greatly discourage people to speak up if they are going through a hard time. I am completely guilty of letting these reactions revert to bottling everything in and isolating myself. When I speak so openly about my mental illnesses and my overall mental health, I am not looking for ‘someone to feel sorry for me’. I am not using my poor mental state as excuses or trying to use them in a way to guilt people. I find it completely shattering to think that some people think that if you’re transparent about your mental health that you are trying to use it against them somehow. Mental health is already hard enough to talk about, so let’s encourage and validate those who speak openly. These conversations need to be had.

These conversations will not be easy. They will not be comfortable and that is okay. Talking is one of the greatest therapies out there and all anyone really wants is support or some form of validation. Even if you’re not completely understood-being told that your feelings are valid and it’s understandable why you feel a certain way is such a comfort. I’m so used to being stuck in my head and tearing myself apart that when I am vulnerable, if I am met with any sort of aggression I immediately believe and blame every negative thing about myself. Depression isn’t logical. Anxiety isn’t logical. PTSD is not logical. No mental illness is. There is so much that we do not understand ourselves, let alone being able to portray that to someone else.

It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. And it’s okay to talk about those times. I know myself well enough to know that every passing day that I’m acting as if I’m better than I am, that I am actually getting closer to that ledge I almost jumped off two and a half years ago. Everyday that I go without being authentic and talking about my current struggles, the more and more hopeless I feel. Once you lose hope it can be quite hard to find. If you need to talk to someone, please push through your insecurities and reach out to someone. I’ll admit that not every interaction you’ll have will be a great one, but you will be surprised at how many are great. There are so many great call and text lines that I often forget about but there are always options. Get a paper and write your support numbers down and put it in your wallet or write them in your phone in your notes so you always have them on you.

It is so easy to become engulfed in our own mental state and forgot how important and cared for we actually are. It’s hard to see any glimmer of hope sometimes. Hope is there. It took me a very long time to find it and I started seeing it more and more as I kept speaking out about mental health. It is okay to struggle and it is okay to acknowledge your struggles too. We can’t improve or ‘fix’ things we are unaware of. Be true to yourself and how you are feeling- how you are really feeling. I promise that so many people care and that there is hope. Don’t give up on hope. There will be some days where hope is the only thing we have. Stay strong and know that I’m always here for whoever needs me.

The only thing in my head is, “You should have went back and jumped off that bridge. You should have went back. You should have tried again. You should have tried again.” And it’s repeating itself over and over again. The last time I was on that bridge was two years ago and I still think about it often.  Truth be told- I have not been okay lately. Not even in the slightest.

I go through periods where I’m doing awesome and I have hope and ambitions but the periods that I’m bad- I’m really bad. I’m not eating for days bad, forcing myself to sleep so I don’t have to deal with the fact of my existence bad, I’m crying for hours in bed bad. I’m still making little steps everyday like attending groups, taking my meds, even doing a half hour workout but as soon as I’m done I’m back in bed thinking about death. I feel so stuck and so painfully alone. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you’re in this kind of state. It’s not a state you ever want anyone to see you in or know that you are in. You worry that if people know how bad you are doing that they will worry about you and you really don’t want that. You don’t want the guilt of knowing people are worrying. You also don’t want the fact that they know you aren’t okay so they might keep an extra eye on you. You don’t want that because you want that escape route if need be. It’s a horrible way to think and it’s a horrible way to be but that is just my reality right now.

Things are really really tough right now and I don’t have any answers. I’m on disability and that is hard to live on. I struggle to eat and pay my bills with the little income I have. Now I’m stressed out with having to find a new home. Where the hell do I go when I don’t have money or support? My car was stolen and crashed two years ago and I still don’t have that resolved. My car was the only thing keeping me alive and keeping me going. Without it I haven’t been the same.

My options are limited and my resources are few to none. I’m panicking all the time because I don’t want to exist anymore but I’m here and I have to figure out what to do next and where to go from here. The easiest thing for me to do would be to give up, but I can’t. Not yet. As much as I believe I want to die, I believe I just want to feel something else. I don’t want these extra struggles on top of my internal ones. So where do you go from here? How do you crawl out from the deepest hole you’ve ever been in? 

Found this note on my computer from two years ago. It is still very relevant and accurate to how I feel today. Mental Health is an ongoing battle and a very slow moving recovery process. There will always be triumphs, setbacks and downfalls. Recovery isn’t linear.

I have so much to share and to say, yet I have been too numb to function lately. Confined by my own body and brain, restrained to my bed, I have difficulty focusing on a single task. I cannot even get out of bed to eat or shower. I force myself to sleep all day, everyday, so I do not have to deal with being alive. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I can’t help how I feel at this moment in time.

Depression and anxiety have taken a hold of me. I have never wanted to die this badly. I can’t handle being alive. I do not see a purpose in a single thing I do. Even as I type this I feel lifeless. I feel as though I am already dead. Just because I am breathing does not in any way mean that I am alive. I am lifeless – I really am. I just want the rest of me to match. A few months ago, I contemplated if it was my time to end it all. I calmly walked down to the bridge down the road and I watched the river flowing underneath and I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I wanted to be a part of it. I could picture it all; the rush of the cold water, my struggle to remain afloat as my body drags along with the current, my lungs filling up with water. It all seems so desirable to me. I never thought I could ever romanticize suicide but there is something about it lately that keeps calling my name, that keeps me wanting, longing for it.

I often wish I could wake up and for a single day not know what it feels like to want to kill myself. I think about death all the time. Constantly. Even if I am not actively thinking about it, its always there in the background. Like a movie I keep on in the background while I’m focusing on other tasks – it isn’t my main focus but I can still hear it. I know there are a lot of others out there who feel the same exact way that I do. I just don’t know any in person who I can talk or relate to and that has been deteriorating me slowly everyday. It’s exhausting trying to mask how I feel because not everyone around me understands or will ever know how I feel. I am truthfully so thankful that the people close to me cannot relate and cannot comprehend how I feel or what I am experiencing, but at the same time it really, really sucks. I simply can’t put into words what I am going through. Half the time I do not know what I am going through. It is impossible to try to describe something that you don’t fully understand. The depression has gotten so unbearable that I do not know how much longer I can endure it for.

There are a lot of days that I really want to feel that desire to get better, but I mainly just want it all to come to an end. I know I am supposed to want to be better and cured and I wish that I did want that but I don’t. I am trapped in my mind, a prisoner in my awful reality that no one but me can see. I am not sure if I truly want to be dead or if I just want to find peace but for now it all ties into one. That scares me and brings me serenity all at once.

I’ve only been awake for 5 hours and it feels like too long. All I want to do is crawl back into my bed and burrito myself up in a pile of blankets staring at the wall numb until I either feel something or fall asleep. The only thing I’ve been feeling lately is disappointment. Disappointment that I’m still here. I was doing well for awhile but there are always going to be down days or weeks. I keep thinking that it will get easier and the down days won’t be as bad as the last but they are unpredictable. It seems like the better I’m doing overall, the worse I feel when the bad days hit. I am so hard on myself for having emotions when they are not positive ones. It is hard for me to admit that even the bad or negative emotions serve some sort of purpose. Everything we feel, we feel for a reason. We might not always know what the reasons are but there is a purpose for every emotion you experience. 

I am still learning how to be forgiving of myself for being human. To be completely honest, I am super unhappy with almost every aspect of my life. I have grown so much as a person and mentally I am doing so much better than I ever have been.  I have overcome a lot over the past couple of years and I should be incredibly proud. It is so easy to focus on how far you have left to go instead of how far you have come. I need help celebrating my victories, no matter how small. It’s only been 5 hours and although I might be miserable about being out of bed- at least I got out of bed. Compared to a year or two ago, just leaving bed at all is a huge accomplishment. 

Something about being sad is so draining. I feel exhausted. It’s taking everything in me not to give into those urges of crawling back into bed or forcing myself to sleep. As much as I want to sleep, I know it won’t serve me well. I will be unhappy whether I stay awake or force myself to sleep. Today is just a write off, and that’s okay. Not everyday is meant to be a happy day. It’s only been 5 hours, but I can survive a few more, and so can you. 

Depression has this funny way of making you tired all the time. It doesn’t matter how much sleep you have gotten or how little energy you use- you will always be extremely tired. I’ve always struggled with chronic fatigue but lately it’s been hitting me harder and taking a toll on me so much more. I am completely unable to sleep during the night and find myself sleeping all day and taking naps after being awake for only a few hours. I know continuing this cycle just makes me more tired but it’s so hard to break out of it. My brain is overactive at night making it impossible to relax. I don’t have the strength, motivation or will power to get out of bed anymore. Sleep is hard to come by so I do take every opportunity I get to sleep- even when it isn’t needed. 

I feel so misunderstood lately. I’m perpetually sad and tired and it is completely debilitating. Everything in my life has been suffering because of this. My appetite, diet, activity, chores, hygiene and relationships. I can’t be bothered to even brush my hair or wash my face most days. It makes me feel pathetic. This is really where the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness come in. I’ve always been self sufficient but for the past while I haven’t been able to care for myself in the slightest. I definitely am my own worst enemy but there are so many days where I don’t know who I am or don’t even feel like myself anymore. It feels like a stranger is trapped in my head. Even just the thoughts and feelings that I constantly have are exhausting. It’s a constant tug of war within myself. 

I want to get better and I want to feel better, I don’t know how to get there. It seems near impossible to fix and battle with the demons in your head when you don’t even have the energy to brush your own hair. Even doing the simplest tasks are so much more difficult for me than most people will ever understand. You won’t understand unless you go through it yourself. Baby steps are the only way I’m able to achieve anything nowadays but that’s still better than nothing. It’s hard to think that one day I’ll be better than I am now but I know I will get there- just not anytime soon. 

If you feel alone in this too- please reach out to me. My circle is very small so it’s hard not to feel alone but I know there are others who understand what I’m going through and it helps to connect and feel understood without judgement. I might be tired and sometimes slow but I will always respond to someone who needs support or someone who just wants to chat. Please don’t give up. I want to give up too but I won’t- for now I’m just going to go back to sleep. 

Sometimes I find myself fighting with my emotions and trying to bottle them up. I know feeling things and showing emotions are good but there are moments where having them make me feel weak. Makes me feel like I am incapable of handling things on my own. I so badly want to feel unaffected by things around me but it’s not that easy unfortunately. The things around me do impact me more than I care to admit. 

Why do we chose to ignore our feelings and bottle up our emotions when we know ultimately that makes things worse? Does it help us feel more put together? I know it helps me feel like I appear to be more okay, but on the inside I feel like I’m bursting from the seams with pain and hurt. I’m hurting myself more than helping myself by not allowing me to feel or to express myself. I’ve been feeling quite robotic lately. Earlier today I was quite overwhelmed and found myself staring aimlessly out of a window with a couple of tears starting to form and I immediately wiped them away and got angry with myself. Angry that I can’t keep things inside and that I didn’t have better coping mechanisms to help me from becoming overwhelmed. Mainly, I’m just mad that I’m not okay. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable but the moments I have been- have always been worth it. 

The thing about depression is that it lies to you. It convinces you that emotions are bad, and things will never get better. Sometimes it is so hard to recognize what is true and what is a lie you’re telling yourself. There are so many moments I convince myself that I am a burden and that people are better off without me. In these moments it is so hard for me to tell what is real and what isn’t- I feel like maybe these things I tell myself are true and I look for the proof in my conversations and interactions. It’s really hard to decipher what is going on sometimes. In these moments, I do need help. Reassurance is really nice to have. Helps me realize what is the truth and what is in my head. Battling with trying to figure out reality is exhausting and makes me feel legitimately crazy. You are not crazy- that is your depression again and depression lies to you. Depression also tells you that emotions are bad and that is false. Emotions are telling us about things that we are not dealing with or addressing. Things we push away because it’s easier to not deal with it. 

It’s time to trust your emotions. It is a skill that takes time and practice. I am still learning it myself. I have to keep telling myself that feelings are not a bad thing. I have to remind myself of those times that I’ve been emotional and how it’s been helpful and healing. I think one of the main reasons I have been angry today is because I was feeling and doing so much better for a little while. There are days that you feel like you’ve gone backwards. Those days suck. But it is normal. It’s part of the process. I think it’s important to keep in mind that the recovery process is not a straight line. There will be ups and there will be downs but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t moving forwards. Like I always say, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I believe that is especially true with the recovery process. If recovery was easy then no one would be struggling still. Today, for me, is a bad day. Bad days are going to happen and I’m okay with that. Just talking myself out of the negative thoughts in my head is hard to do in these moments. If you are struggling with these thoughts too- please find someone to share them with. You are so strong for battling those thoughts in your head- don’t let your depression convince you otherwise. We will get through this. We can get through it together. We are never alone in this. Reach out to me or anyone else. I have some resources posted if you need them. You are so strong and brave and together we will get through this.