Negativity is the worst habit I have. When it comes to myself- I am the most negative thinker there is. I fully believe that, whoever is reading this, you are loved and you are going to be okay no matter what you are going through. I believe that you will conquer anything life throws your way and that things will get better. 

Unfortunately- I do not think that way about myself. I do not believe things will get better or that I will be okay and I feel alone and that I’m not that loved. I have a horrible feeling of constant rejection. I feel that I do not fit in and I don’t belong anywhere. 

Lately, I’ve been constantly surrounded by amazing individuals who are passionate about many of the same things I’m passionate about and I somehow still feel out of place. I have this lingering feeling of being unwanted and not good enough. I really struggle with these toxic thoughts and beliefs. I have crazy self-doubt and pretty much no self-worth. 

I find myself constantly holding back or silencing myself because I feel more comfortable in the background and I feel like that’s where I belong- if I even belong anywhere. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m wanted or liked. I struggle with liking myself so I can’t fathom the idea of others liking me even in the slightest. 

With this negativity there are a lot of bad traits that go along with it. There’s the isolation, silence, self-harm, feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and lots of suicide ideation. 

I have always struggled with being social but the main cause lately is due to the fact I do not feel worthy of anyone’s time or even worthy of being alive. 

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this but while I go through this new journey I do feel extremely alone. I always want to quit, give-up and go home. I just want to hide myself from the world until I can’t feel anything anymore or harm until I can only feel physical pain instead of emotional. 

I don’t like to open up to others about these types of feelings mainly for the reason that I don’t want to annoy anyone or think that I’m looking for sympathy. I feel too much like a burden already and I shouldn’t need constant reassurance like I want to have. It is really nice to feel wanted. I try to let others know as much as I can how much they are wanted and appreciated and I often feel like no one feels that way about me. 

I don’t know who I reach with my posts or if I even reach anyone at all for that matter- but all I want to do is prevent others from feeling the way that I do. I desperately want others to feel hope. It took me 13 years to feel any glimmer of hope and I do not want anyone to suffer or feel alone through their intrusive thoughts too. 

Everyday is a constant struggle to get myself out of bed, put on a smile and tell myself that I belong. I still don’t fully believe it but it is something I am working on. I grew up truly believing like I wasn’t good enough and now it’s time to reverse that type of thinking.  

I’m not used to feeling cared for and so I don’t believe it’s true. I really struggle with the concept that others could accept me and want me around. When you’re so used to that negativity, any sort of positivity feels untrue. How could it be true? How long until it goes away? I believe it’s going to be a short term thing and that feelings of being accepted will be short lived. It’s only a matter of time until everyone sees what I see in myself. 

Many of these feelings are probably untrue- but my brain is constantly fighting with me. I’m trying to be more comfortable around others so please bare with me while I fight these inner demons. Our brains have a funny way of telling us all these untrue things that we believe. 

I am worthy of love and hope, and so are you. We are enough and we are not burdens. Please hang in there. I’m still here, and so are you. I got this. You got this. Just remember that our track record for conquering all of our bad days are 100% and I’m so thankful for that. 

As most people know I am quite an impulsive person. I have always had an easy time going new places or trying new things. I bet it might shock some to hear that I struggle with my anxiety a lot- even though I’m capable of doing so many nerve-racking things. Everyday life and everyday things are incredibly scary and difficult for me. The fight, flight, or freeze response is almost always on for me.

Lately, the term “agoraphobic” has been used a lot to describe me and how I am in my everyday life. Reading the description- it sounds exactly like me. It’s classified as a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear actual or anticipated situations. Quite usually people who suffer with this struggle with leaving home alone, using public transportation, or even something as simple as waiting in a line.

I often avoid these situations in fear of the uncertainty and the unknown outcome. I don’t feel prepared to leave my house alone and deal with these things as they come my way. I like to be prepared- I often over prepare. I can’t go to a restaurant without looking up the menu first to see if there will be anything I like, and I often have to get someone to order for me and sit in a corner that makes me feel like the restaurant is smaller than it is. I’m not scared of being social or social situations, even though it may seem that way, I’m scared of the possibility that I may become too scared or overwhelmed in those situations. The fear of fear itself keeps me isolated and hidden in my home.

When I do leave my house, I almost always have to have someone with me. Even with people with me I quite often cry in public from being overwhelmed and over stimulated. While that doesn’t bother me as much, I am worried as to how it will affect others around me. I feel as though I’m inconveniencing everyone around me and it is an uncomfortable feeling melting down in public.

For the past few months I have completely given in to the urge to stay at home and seclude myself. It’s easier for me to avoid those feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling like a burden. I used to constantly push my limits to do things I knew made me uncomfortable and anxious. There really hasn’t been a downfall to pushing myself out of my comfort zone- I’m still here and I’ve conquered everything thus far. Sometimes it’s so much easier to let these things define us. I am an incredibly anxious person but I still want to be adventurous. I’ve been working extremely hard to become this fearless person. I don’t think it’s bad to feel anxious- but it becomes a bad thing quickly when it redirects your entire life.

To anyone else who feels super anxious or over stimulated in any sort of situations- I would highly recommend making a grounding kit! I tend to carry mine when I know I’m going to be going to a place that makes me uncomfortable. It can be such an amazing tool! Even just talking to someone about your feelings can be a huge relief. If you ever need to talk, I am always here. Please message me if you’re ever struggling. I get it. I struggle too.

For the past while I have completely been on edge. Pretty much anything can push me over the edge and I am in total state of annoyance and frustration. I feel so angry, annoyed, fed-up and irritated on a daily basis. I am absolutely miserable and a complete dud to be around. I feel like this is my new normal. I have been unmedicated for a few months now. I’ve had some hiccups with my coverage for my antidepressants and I have been suffering ever since. 

I never thought I would be one to take meds or even believe in them, but they actually work for me. I didn’t think they would work when I was put on them but thankfully to my surprise, they worked wonders! I had more energy, and motivation. I had tolerance and I was able to stay calm and level-headed. I have been trying really hard to manage on my own without them but this constant state of irritability and frustration has left me feeling defeated. 

I feel like giving up. Most days I don’t see the point in even leaving bed. Just existing seems overwhelming to me. I have been forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do and to just keep busy and in turn I really have no idea if it’s helping or making it worse. I feel slightly better when living in a tidier and clean environment but it’s hard to tackle this on my own and to keep up with all that needs to be done. I feel so very alone through this all. I lack the support system and friends that I once had. I am so painfully alone and overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I struggle to even do things I enjoy. Which is normal for people suffering with depression- but it’s worsened drastically. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel lower than I’m used to.

 It is hard to advance in your recovery against mental health when you feel like you’re alone and you don’t have a support system in place. For most of my mental health journey, I haven’t had support or anyone by my side. Back then I was quite emotionless and numb. Nowadays I am much more emotional. I’m sure it’s better for me to have emotions but I would prefer for them to be stable and consistent. I’m not used to having a short fuse and I’m struggling with coping and staying calm. So far the only thing I have found that helps remotely is to turn on upbeat music and listen to it. I might hate it for the first 20 minutes but eventually I will singalong or bob to whatever ridiculous song is on. 

It is a hard battle alone and to anyone who also feels alone- message me anytime if you need to vent! What do you when you’re miserable and over-whelmed?