After my latest breakdown late last week, I can proudly say that these last few days I have felt better than I have in months. Leading up to my breakdown I had the usual struggles of feeling and thinking that I wasn’t good enough, I’m not valuable and no one actually wanted me around. I’ve been trying really hard to survive on my own without any forms of self harm and within that time I completely let my dark thoughts take over. I feel so guilty most of the time because of how often I think of taking my own life and how it’s often something I’m longing for. I really do want to feel better but I am far too exhausted to keep going most days. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I’m still here and I’ve never really had an answer. I’m honestly still not even completely sure why I’m here. All I know is that I just want to connect with people who can relate to me and let them know that they are okay and not alone. I know I have a lot of back and forth days, but I do believe it gets better. I think I’m here to dedicate my life to others struggling. To help them find their voice, their courage, assist them in finding help or just to listen to them. I want to be the person that I need for everyone who also needs that person. Within my journey I have found that I need others more than I would like to admit. And that is okay. You can’t do this completely alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is so much support around and unfortunately sometimes you have to go looking for it. 

While I was in the midst of my latest breakdown, I was asked what support looks like to me. That briefly stumped me. When I think of support I typically mean someone to talk to but it made me think of other types of support and what I specifically need. I think that was a question that I needed to be asked. Maybe that’s something you should ask yourself too. I’ve come to realize that the type of support I need the most is company. I thrive when I have others around me and I often get too caught up in my head while I’m alone. As it was pointed out to me, that is something I cannot expect people to just know. I need to work on expressing when I need someone around me. 

I’ve been really really struggling to tell people how I’ve been feeling all because I’ve had some bad experiences this past month after reaching out for help. I know that not every experience is going to be positive and I’ve had worse experiences without letting it deter me. I tell everyone that I talk to that they can’t let a few bad incidents discourage them from continuing to seek treatment or help. Why the heck was I not taking my own advice!? That definitely was a bad move on my part to keep pushing everything off and hiding. Ultimately though, I’m glad I went through this. 

As I sat on this ground sobbing with my head between my legs while pulling at my hair while two of my newest friends sat around in silence as I gasped for air, I was met with a level of care I did not expect. I felt heard, validated and equal. In those moments I always expect to feel like I’m less than others who seemingly have their shit together, but that wasn’t the case. I always say that things have to get worse before they get better and I know this was one of those moments. It’s hard to appreciate these moments sometimes but I am pretty thankful this happened. Stars can’t shine without darkness, right? 

Although, I’m still not too sure why this specific meltdown affected me so much and led to this much positivity, but I’m so grateful it did. I can’t tell you the last time I felt truly content. I’m typically kind of a miserable person and these few days my mind has been a more peaceful place to be. I’ve found myself genuinely smiling or smirking at little things while looking out the window, listening to music or enjoying a road trip sing-a-long. Goes to show that not all “bad” moments are truly bad. These can be blessings in disguise. What helps me most is talking, partnered with company, but overall conversations are where I’m able to find the most strength, peace and growth. Please don’t let yourself be too scared or nervous to reach out. It is so worth it. Even the bad times. Keep going. No matter what. 

How often do you feel like you have to hide how you really feel? Are you worried or in constant fear that you will be judged if anyone knew how you really felt? That’s how I feel almost everyday. 

There is something terrifying about being vulnerable. I have always tried to appear tough and have dealt with everything on my own. It’s a hard thing to admit that I can’t do it all on my own and I need other people. I need help- but I don’t want to let others know how I’m really doing. 

I think one of my main fears about opening up to people and being honest about how I feel on a daily basis is that I don’t want others to worry about me. For as long as I can remember- I’ve had an underlying feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. That partnered with my suicide ideation, makes me worried that people are going to assume negative things about me. I don’t want anyone thinking I am less capable of doing things than someone else who may not be struggling or to put me in these categories or stereotypes that come with mental illnesses. I constantly push myself and challenge the boundaries that my mental illnesses and society have put on me. 

Sometimes things are harder for me than they are for other people, but just because I am depressed or anxious doesn’t make me less able to do anything. I just have a harder time of getting myself started and I doubt myself the entire time. 

Nowadays I am doing something completely out of my comfort zone and I am beyond excited but I am also beyond overwhelmed and so scared. I know I am pushing myself so much and I never stop believing that I am not good enough and am unworthy of anything other than darkness and loneliness. I have really been struggling with feeling like I belong anywhere and I am constantly unhappy, lonely, and I’m still thinking about not existing. I’m having a really hard time letting anyone know how uncertain I am to be where I am in life or just alive at all. 

I’m afraid to be met with judgement and a lack of understanding. I am so used to feeling judged and misunderstood and I don’t think at this moment in time I could bare it- so I keep everything to myself. Which I know isn’t a good idea but especially now when it’s getting harder to get through the days. I deeply care for everyone else around me that I do not want to burden them or make them worried. 

I encourage everyone to open up about what they are going through and I recognize how hard and daunting of a task that can be. I even still struggle with it. I have had a few days where I have opened up to some people and shared with them my true feelings and struggles and those moments and conversations have always gone far better than I ever anticipate them to. By being silent I have made things more difficult for myself. I always feel better when I share and when I’m honest. I highly encourage you to do the same. 

I’m still learning and I’m still fighting. We don’t have to suffer in silence. By opening up and sharing our thoughts and feelings, it can help you feel a thousand times lighter. If you replace I with WE, illness becomes wellness. I don’t have to do this alone and neither do you. 

Negativity is the worst habit I have. When it comes to myself- I am the most negative thinker there is. I fully believe that, whoever is reading this, you are loved and you are going to be okay no matter what you are going through. I believe that you will conquer anything life throws your way and that things will get better. 

Unfortunately- I do not think that way about myself. I do not believe things will get better or that I will be okay and I feel alone and that I’m not that loved. I have a horrible feeling of constant rejection. I feel that I do not fit in and I don’t belong anywhere. 

Lately, I’ve been constantly surrounded by amazing individuals who are passionate about many of the same things I’m passionate about and I somehow still feel out of place. I have this lingering feeling of being unwanted and not good enough. I really struggle with these toxic thoughts and beliefs. I have crazy self-doubt and pretty much no self-worth. 

I find myself constantly holding back or silencing myself because I feel more comfortable in the background and I feel like that’s where I belong- if I even belong anywhere. It’s hard to convince myself that I’m wanted or liked. I struggle with liking myself so I can’t fathom the idea of others liking me even in the slightest. 

With this negativity there are a lot of bad traits that go along with it. There’s the isolation, silence, self-harm, feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and lots of suicide ideation. 

I have always struggled with being social but the main cause lately is due to the fact I do not feel worthy of anyone’s time or even worthy of being alive. 

I know I’m not the only one who feels like this but while I go through this new journey I do feel extremely alone. I always want to quit, give-up and go home. I just want to hide myself from the world until I can’t feel anything anymore or harm until I can only feel physical pain instead of emotional. 

I don’t like to open up to others about these types of feelings mainly for the reason that I don’t want to annoy anyone or think that I’m looking for sympathy. I feel too much like a burden already and I shouldn’t need constant reassurance like I want to have. It is really nice to feel wanted. I try to let others know as much as I can how much they are wanted and appreciated and I often feel like no one feels that way about me. 

I don’t know who I reach with my posts or if I even reach anyone at all for that matter- but all I want to do is prevent others from feeling the way that I do. I desperately want others to feel hope. It took me 13 years to feel any glimmer of hope and I do not want anyone to suffer or feel alone through their intrusive thoughts too. 

Everyday is a constant struggle to get myself out of bed, put on a smile and tell myself that I belong. I still don’t fully believe it but it is something I am working on. I grew up truly believing like I wasn’t good enough and now it’s time to reverse that type of thinking.  

I’m not used to feeling cared for and so I don’t believe it’s true. I really struggle with the concept that others could accept me and want me around. When you’re so used to that negativity, any sort of positivity feels untrue. How could it be true? How long until it goes away? I believe it’s going to be a short term thing and that feelings of being accepted will be short lived. It’s only a matter of time until everyone sees what I see in myself. 

Many of these feelings are probably untrue- but my brain is constantly fighting with me. I’m trying to be more comfortable around others so please bare with me while I fight these inner demons. Our brains have a funny way of telling us all these untrue things that we believe. 

I am worthy of love and hope, and so are you. We are enough and we are not burdens. Please hang in there. I’m still here, and so are you. I got this. You got this. Just remember that our track record for conquering all of our bad days are 100% and I’m so thankful for that. 

As most people know I am quite an impulsive person. I have always had an easy time going new places or trying new things. I bet it might shock some to hear that I struggle with my anxiety a lot- even though I’m capable of doing so many nerve-racking things. Everyday life and everyday things are incredibly scary and difficult for me. The fight, flight, or freeze response is almost always on for me.

Lately, the term “agoraphobic” has been used a lot to describe me and how I am in my everyday life. Reading the description- it sounds exactly like me. It’s classified as a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear actual or anticipated situations. Quite usually people who suffer with this struggle with leaving home alone, using public transportation, or even something as simple as waiting in a line.

I often avoid these situations in fear of the uncertainty and the unknown outcome. I don’t feel prepared to leave my house alone and deal with these things as they come my way. I like to be prepared- I often over prepare. I can’t go to a restaurant without looking up the menu first to see if there will be anything I like, and I often have to get someone to order for me and sit in a corner that makes me feel like the restaurant is smaller than it is. I’m not scared of being social or social situations, even though it may seem that way, I’m scared of the possibility that I may become too scared or overwhelmed in those situations. The fear of fear itself keeps me isolated and hidden in my home.

When I do leave my house, I almost always have to have someone with me. Even with people with me I quite often cry in public from being overwhelmed and over stimulated. While that doesn’t bother me as much, I am worried as to how it will affect others around me. I feel as though I’m inconveniencing everyone around me and it is an uncomfortable feeling melting down in public.

For the past few months I have completely given in to the urge to stay at home and seclude myself. It’s easier for me to avoid those feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling like a burden. I used to constantly push my limits to do things I knew made me uncomfortable and anxious. There really hasn’t been a downfall to pushing myself out of my comfort zone- I’m still here and I’ve conquered everything thus far. Sometimes it’s so much easier to let these things define us. I am an incredibly anxious person but I still want to be adventurous. I’ve been working extremely hard to become this fearless person. I don’t think it’s bad to feel anxious- but it becomes a bad thing quickly when it redirects your entire life.

To anyone else who feels super anxious or over stimulated in any sort of situations- I would highly recommend making a grounding kit! I tend to carry mine when I know I’m going to be going to a place that makes me uncomfortable. It can be such an amazing tool! Even just talking to someone about your feelings can be a huge relief. If you ever need to talk, I am always here. Please message me if you’re ever struggling. I get it. I struggle too.

For the past while I have completely been on edge. Pretty much anything can push me over the edge and I am in total state of annoyance and frustration. I feel so angry, annoyed, fed-up and irritated on a daily basis. I am absolutely miserable and a complete dud to be around. I feel like this is my new normal. I have been unmedicated for a few months now. I’ve had some hiccups with my coverage for my antidepressants and I have been suffering ever since. 

I never thought I would be one to take meds or even believe in them, but they actually work for me. I didn’t think they would work when I was put on them but thankfully to my surprise, they worked wonders! I had more energy, and motivation. I had tolerance and I was able to stay calm and level-headed. I have been trying really hard to manage on my own without them but this constant state of irritability and frustration has left me feeling defeated. 

I feel like giving up. Most days I don’t see the point in even leaving bed. Just existing seems overwhelming to me. I have been forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do and to just keep busy and in turn I really have no idea if it’s helping or making it worse. I feel slightly better when living in a tidier and clean environment but it’s hard to tackle this on my own and to keep up with all that needs to be done. I feel so very alone through this all. I lack the support system and friends that I once had. I am so painfully alone and overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I struggle to even do things I enjoy. Which is normal for people suffering with depression- but it’s worsened drastically. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel lower than I’m used to.

 It is hard to advance in your recovery against mental health when you feel like you’re alone and you don’t have a support system in place. For most of my mental health journey, I haven’t had support or anyone by my side. Back then I was quite emotionless and numb. Nowadays I am much more emotional. I’m sure it’s better for me to have emotions but I would prefer for them to be stable and consistent. I’m not used to having a short fuse and I’m struggling with coping and staying calm. So far the only thing I have found that helps remotely is to turn on upbeat music and listen to it. I might hate it for the first 20 minutes but eventually I will singalong or bob to whatever ridiculous song is on. 

It is a hard battle alone and to anyone who also feels alone- message me anytime if you need to vent! What do you when you’re miserable and over-whelmed? 

For someone who has an anxiety disorder, that is much easier said than done. I have generalized anxiety disorder. With that I struggle with everyday life and everyday things, especially the small stuff.

Last week I went to a drive thru and with much thought and consideration- I decided what I was going to get beforehand. After I ordered and got to the pay window I was told they were out of what I had ordered. In that moment I had to make a split decision. That is something I am not comfortable with at all. I felt put on the spot and I made a decision I wasn’t ultimately happy with.

For most people something like this wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, but for me it is a huge deal. I felt panicked, sad, disappointed and angry. 
I was angry that I made a split decision I was unhappy with, and I was angry that I cannot just take small things that are thrown at me and move on. I tend to feel horribly guilty in these moments I can not control because I feel as though I’m overreacting. Unfortunately, with today’s stigma around anxiety and mental health, it’s common to be misrepresented as dramatic. On the surface I was still fairly calm but on the inside- I was not.

Recently, it has come to my attention that I ‘overplan’ things. While that may not seem like a horrible thing, in the long run it is doing more harm than good. I like to plan out where I’m going and what I’m getting before I leave the house. I do not like to “wing” things. The feeling of uncertainty is very scary to me. While there are so many things that are out of my control, I often find myself avoiding situations that I can not predict. My psychiatrist has advised that I start planning to do things that are unplanned. Such as, walking down a street and trying a new restaurant without looking at their menu first, or even go grocery shopping without a list.

This might seem kind of silly for some, but it is a daunting task for me. This drive thru situation was one of those moments that I was not prepared for. Which is exactly what I need but also exactly what I am not prepared to deal with.

I am slowly learning how to take things as they come and it’s a slow and hard process for me. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with the “seemingly easy” stuff. Please know that if you can relate to this- you are not alone and your feelings are valid.

I’d like to challenge others with anxiety to do the same and plan times to not plan at all. You can use these experiences to learn about you and your anxiety. Beforehand you can write down everything that could go wrong, and all your fears and worries and after the experience write what happens and compare the two. Even if the experience is unpleasant, you survived. Avoidance might seem like an easy solution for anxious people but overall you are making your anxiety worse. We need to be exposed to all situations- good and bad.

I typically try to generalize my posts and not go too far into personal details in hopes more people can relate, but I feel the need to vent and share more personalized struggles.

Last year I made the most difficult decision to leave my job and focus on my mental health. My job was my entire life for years and without it I felt completely lost but I wasn’t okay anymore. I couldn’t in good conscience work anymore while I couldn’t fully keep focus or energy levels up to excel and do my best. Once I stopped working I applied for disability. I took 3 months to fill out all the forms. Until I was approved for funding 8 months later, I did small jobs when I was able to.

During this past year I had my car taken and crashed, fought with the insurance company for months, been screwed over by taxes, had significant weight gain, and had friendships fade. I have never felt more alone and helpless in my entire life. After years of suppression and denial, I finally took the leap to overcome my traumas and past abuse. Recently, part of my funding was put on hold until more paperwork is received but getting in contact with my worker has been very difficult. After I paid rent and one bill, I have been left with less than $20 for the month. I am quite used to financial troubles but my mentally instability has rendered me to be completely devastated and overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling as though I am not even worthy of living. I have a hard time caring about myself to even take my meds (which do help), leave my house, or even brush my hair most days.

I’ve been on waiting lists for groups for over a year now and I’m losing faith. I often feel as though people do not take me seriously because I can appear to be okay. I have been told I am dramatic whenever I do open up. It’s hard for me to be vulnerable because I am often met with judgement and rudeness. I act tough a lot of the time but I am actually quite sensitive. I feel highly misunderstood and unimportant most days. I have no idea what to do anymore. When you feel this hopeless you just want to give up completely. I struggle a lot with suicide ideation especially while I am trying to refrain from self-harm. I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am currently and it was really hard to get approved for a mental health leave. I want to make the best of it and remember how to be a person again. I want this pain to end. My heart honestly aches thinking that others might feel as horrible as I do. I’m trying to make the most out of the resources out there but it is a waiting game and I am running out of patience.

If anyone else is in the same boat as I am with this waiting game and is in need of more immediate support, please reach out to me. I know it’s hard not to feel like we are alone in this. I am in need of some extra support and love these days. Making these posts helps me a lot and I hope they help some others too.

This is a short but super helpful video to help caregivers and friends or family with how to deal with a loved ones mental illness. I think it’s important for everyone to know these things to help not only the people struggling, but ourselves.

Today has been such an amazing day. I had the honour of being nominated for the CMHA Champion of Mental Health award for my work with Talks With Tandra. Last night I attended the sponsor reception to meet all of the wonderful sponsors for this years event, and all the other amazing nominees. This morning I attended the Breakfast of Champions where they announced the winners of the awards.

Last night was such a great opportunity to network and make some amazing connections to help further my dreams and my goals that I have for my page. I have had bigger picture plans for quite awhile and with the posts I make now I often feel as though I’m not really doing anything at all. Today was such a humbling experience to be recognized for my contributions when I feel so insignificant in the fight against stigma surrounding mental health. It was also incredibly heartwarming to hear what others from established organizations had to say about the things I write about. It was such a privilege to be nominated and to be part of such an incredible event.

There really are no words to describe how grateful I am for what this week has brought to me so far. I often feel so minuscule and down on myself when it comes to my role in ending the stigma and advocating for mental health victims and today I felt like what I do is important and matters. All I want to do is reach as many people as I can about mental illnesses and have it be an open conversation and share support. I always want to do more to help others and this week has been so motivating for me to continue and to further my role in this never ending battle.

I want to thank anyone who has ever liked or commented on any of my posts, you are my motivation and I wouldn’t be here without all your support and love. I appreciate you all so very much.

Today is the start of CMHA Mental Health Week.

Mental health affects us all. This week let’s focus on all mental health-whether it be good or bad. We need to recognize and celebrate the role of good mental health and how it aids in living the life we want! Even for someone like me, who is still very much struggling, it’s important to celebrate the small wins. The small wins are a step in the right direction and help us get to where we want to be. Even if all you did today was get out of bed or brush your hair, it’s important to celebrate those times where your mental illness didn’t get the best of you.

Whether you are mentally ill or not, this week is about you. I’m proud of you for being where you are and doing what you do. This world needs you and you are so important!