A couple weeks ago I was completely and utterly done with life. I felt the way I usually do- hopeless, pathetic, lost, sad, defeated, tired and in pain. I had enough of it. I always try my best to want to be here on earth but it isn’t fun being somewhere that you honestly do not want to be. Sometimes your depression gets so bad that it convinces you that the best option is to end your life. This is where I have been for quite a while. I can’t ever shake that feeling of wanting to die. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing. It’s like an itch I cannot scratch. I dream of suicide, I have a plan, I have written notes and given things away, I am completely prepared but I have yet to take steps to actually end my life. I am in constant fear of snapping and impulsively ending it. This is where I came to be a couple weekends ago.

If you know the typical feelings of depression you know how awful and haunting they are but it eventually gets to a point of numbness and not caring anymore and those are the moments that make me worry the most. I get overwhelmed sometimes, easily, without any signs or triggers. I felt trapped in my brain and I gave up. I do not want to be in this pain anymore and I want a permanent solution. I want to die- I truly believe I would rather be dead than to be here. I want it all to end. I was calm while walking down to the bridge. I stood there looking at the water in complete content. It was so welcoming. I wanted to sit on the ledge and potentially jump. I put one leg over the ledge and while trying to propel my other leg over my boot got stuck in the railing. I lost it. I was so frustrated. “I can’t even sit or jump off a bridge correctly,” I kept thinking to myself. I never feel like I am good enough and feel like a fuck-up and this completely solidified how I felt. I had a meltdown. I was in hysterics because my dumb boot was stuck while I was trying to climb over and I felt defeated. I felt like such an idiot. I so badly wanted to be on that ledge.

Luckily, I was able to contact someone and they helped me calm down. They listened to me sob and gasp for air. They talked to me as I walked home. I spent the rest of my night sitting and staring at the wall completely empty until I eventually felt tired enough to crawl into bed and sleep. I still am disappointed of the results from that night. Sometimes I do not know the difference between wanting to be dead and just not wanting to feel the way that I do. They quite often go hand in hand.

I have been too unmotivated lately to write about this but I think it is important for people to know- sadly there are so many other people who feel this exact same way. I get told a lot that no one would ever perceive that I am as depressed as I am by how I represent myself in person.

It is quite often the people you least suspect or the ones who seem strongest that are struggling most. I know it is hard to reach out to people when you are as low as I was, and am, but I really hope that anyone else who is ever in dire need of someone has the strength and motivation to reach out. You might not feel like you matter- but you do. You matter so very much. Our brains are just stupid sometimes and we honestly truly believe a lot of things that are not true. It’s a battle within myself to try to realize what is true and what is not. I know I matter- I do not matter to myself- but I matter. I feel unable to help myself but I really hope to help others. I do not want anyone to ever feel the way I do.

Please make a list of people to contact if you are in distress. Make it when you are in a good mindset and carry it with you when you can or just keep it in your mind. Sometimes you might need to go through the list a little bit to reach someone but please do not get discouraged. People care. I have honestly tried to contact over 7 people before while in crisis mode without getting any responses and I am still here and fighting. There are so many resources and numbers to contact that you can always rely on. Try them out if you need to. To anyone else struggling- please do not give up. Let’s fight this shit together.

If anyone ever needs to talk please message me! I will totally give my number to anyone who needs someone to talk to!!

Having both severe depression and anxiety is really exhausting. It’s a constant struggle between caring too much and not caring at all. I often retreat from social situations because of how hard it is for me to even try to make plans. I don’t like uncertainty. It makes me panicky. And if anything changes it’s sometimes incomprehensible. Depression makes you think and believe horrible things about yourself and anxiety makes you worry that maybe everyone else feels that way about you too. Social settings can be difficult because you’re not always able to shake that feeling. I don’t really care what people think about me but i will be uncomfortable around people due to my feelings about myself. It’s hard not to overthink and to overreact. Little things are huge obstacles or problems to you and it’s very real. You honestly really believe that you are inadequate and you can’t shake it. I’ve been struggling a lot with my anxiety lately. I think so many awful things about myself and even if I know I’m being irrational it’s not a thought process I can easily break. I’m tense in essentially every single circumstance. When you have generalized anxiety you have no moments of relaxation whatsoever.

Please bare with me guys when I’m in social situations. Im trying my best.

I harmed myself today. I almost made it two months without self harming. Why did I do it? I feel like a failure, a let down, I’m constantly overwhelmed, and I’m tired of feeling the regular hurt and pain I feel daily. I like the feel of this pain. It’s different, it’s something I can control. I can’t control the pain I feel through depression. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I don’t know how to cope. Today was one of those days. I’m ashamed now but at the time it was a relief. It was a break from the war in my mind. I always feel so weak when I cave into the temptations of self harm. It’s an easy fix. A temporary band-aid to whatever else is going on in my mind. I feel so terribly weak when I harm but I need to remind myself that I’m still here, it could have been worse. Trying new ways to cope with wanting to self harm is tough. There’s a lot of trial and error. Some things will work, others won’t. What kind of things do others do to avoid self harming? Snapping elastic bands on my wrist keeps me from doing worst, most of the time.

What do you do?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I’m going to be honest. I don’t want to be here anymore. I personally have been struggling with self harm and wanting to end my life. The thought is always in the back of my mind and when I’m asleep- I’m dreaming about it. It’s something I can’t seem to get away from-and that’s terrifying. I am always so worried that I am going to snap and that will be the end of me. It is exhausting. I don’t even know why I am here anymore. I am thankful to be here in this moment so that I can openly speak about this. (Even though I don’t do that enough.) I am trying very hard to find a purpose here and a will to live. I really do love helping others. I have more hopes and belief for others than I do myself. To anyone else out there who can relate to me; you are not alone in this and you do not have to tackle this alone. You are not crazy for the way you feel. With the experiences that I have been through it has been hard for me to believe that anyone else can understand completely but I have found so many others who have been through similar situations. It’s easier to talk to someone else who is going through the same thing.

If anyone ever wants someone to vent to or someone to just listen, please message me at any moment. There are so many helpful resources out there but they can be hard to find. If you need help finding resources for yourself or others send me a message so I can forward some along.

I have been struggling a lot lately, More than usual. It’s hard for me to believe at times that it will pass or get better. Some days are obviously better than others, and some are way worse. Both can teach you different things. Sometimes you have glimpses of hope during the good days and the bad show you how strong you really are-even when you don’t feel like it. I’ve had more bad days than good lately and although I feel weak lately, I am impressed with my ability to keep going and to still talk so openly about it. I love connecting with others who are struggling too, we can listen and support each other and we all need that- whether we can admit it or not. It’s okay to need support. I wish I could do this on my own and I don’t know if I’m too proud to admit that I need other people but it’s about time I come to terms with that. We all need other people. Whether it be friends, family, counsellors, or fellow struggling individuals, we need to support one another. I am always here for anyone who needs to talk, vent, ask advice or get resources. Take it from someone who spent many hours crying in her car lastnight- the storm isn’t always pretty and more often than not you feel hopeless and it seems like it will never end, but once you ride out the storm- you will come out on top. My storm may have just begun but I’m confident through it all I’ll learn a lot and help others a lot. I get discouraged often but hearing from others who can relate makes me want to keep going and come out on top.

Depression really really sucks but I’m hoping that once I endure all this hell, I’ll be better for it and much wiser. As one of my favourite bands say, “There’s so much beauty in a storm.”