Today has been one of my worst days in awhile… I genuinely am unhappy to be alive. I can’t find solace in anything. I am difficult to deal with and I know it but I can’t just switch it off. I am overwhelmed, panicked and uncomfortable 24/7. Today I just woke up hating everything, including myself. It’s been about 4 months since I last harmed. Not fulfilling that horrible nagging temptation has made me completely unbearable to be around. I am lost and I am hopeless. I know most days are not like this one thankfully but it’s these days where I struggle to stay alive. Ending it seems like an easy solution and it is so very tempting. I just think and dwell on my failed attempts. I hate all that I am today and I wish I could just be different and not feel the way I do. Feeling and acting the way I do makes me feel so god damn guilty. I know I can’t exactly help it but once I’m calmed down I definitely recognize my behaviour and I’m ashamed. I’m often made to feel bad for how I feel/act.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m not alone in this but I feel like I am. All anyone wants when they are full of emotions or going through a rough time is to feel like what they are going through is recognized and real. We all seek validation. Even when we have bad days, it’s okay. It’s okay to have bad days and have emotions. Not all days will be this bad.

Please hang in there. Anyone can message me whenever they need to. We’re in this together. ❤️

As someone who is still in the recovery process, I am always actively seeking new ways to cope. I struggle a lot with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed in public settings.

I’ve talked before about grounding. It’s a technique used to help calm anxiety and bring you back into the moment. For those that may not know what it is, grounding is when you use all your senses to ‘ground’ you. I typically look for 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can hear and 1 thing I can taste. There are many variations used for grounding- this is just my preference when I am without my kit. Sometimes we are faced with surroundings that it may be difficult to accomplish grounding in. To help combat those settings I made a grounding kit that I often carry with me. This is what I have so far; for sight I have pictures of my kitten, for touch I have a fidget cube, a squishy shark, and a bracelet from one of my brothers, for hearing I have headphones, for smell I have a candle and scented hand sanitizer, for taste I have sour candy, gum and dark chocolate.

I also have a card in there with numbers to call while I’m in crisis or in need of extra support. I do plan to add some more items and get a more practical holder. I have used this multiple times while I am out and starting to get overwhelmed and have found it to be quite helpful.

I think this is a great project for anyone who often feels panicked in unfamiliar settings! What other items can you use in a grounding kit?

I feel bad that I haven’t posted in awhile. I have been so overwhelmed lately. Just today I got so overwhelmed by a phone call that I cried several times throughout the duration of the call. I’ve been lacking the motivation to do anything lately. When I do summon enough energy to do anything at all- I very easily get overwhelmed and I’m wiped for the rest of the day-sometimes the rest of the week. I used to be so tough that nothing seemed to get to me and now every little thing does.

I know I’m not the only one who experiences it but it’s very difficult to explain to others who don’t understand. Unless you experience it yourself- it’s hard to register being overwhelmed by even the little things. If you get overwhelmed sometimes, I just want you to know, what you are going through and feeling is completely okay and I’m here for you. It’s hard sometimes to feel like all your emotions are justified, but everything we experience is so very real and I’m proud of you for making it through the day.

We often are our own worst critics and we do not celebrate the little wins. I made a difficult phone call today and I just focused on the negative aspect because I got overwhelmed and cried on and off during and for about an hour after. I didn’t applaud myself for making this phone call which I knew wasn’t going to be easy and one that I’ve been putting off for weeks. It’s a small win but it’s still a win. Small wins add up to something bigger. What are some small wins this week you haven’t given yourself credit for? We all have to start somewhere and start being kinder to ourselves. You are here and you are surviving and I am so thankful for that. ❤️ 

If you ever need someone to talk to- please don’t hesitate to message me! My listening ears are always on and I have tons of resources I will gladly pass on to those who need them!

I definitely understand this. To me there is a huge difference between a happy moment and actually being happy. I’m a little over hearing people say, “you were happy when we did this or when this happened.” I am capable of feeling happiness in some moments yes, I am just incapable of actually being happy. It is something I am still working on but everyone seems to think that depression isn’t as bad as it is sometimes. Depression isn’t always something that can be seen. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you are considered to be “high-functioning.” It has taken me many years to get to this point where I don’t cry every time I enter a room, or where I can actually leave the house most days or even bed for that matter. High functioning depression and anxiety are such a real thing that no one talks about. I talk a lot about the days where I can’t get out of bed, eat or even talk, but I don’t always talk about the days I can go outside and get shit done while I still feel like there is a weight attached to me pulling me down and chipping away at me with every breathe I take.

No matter where you are in your journey, I am here for you. There are so many resources to help and so many people who care about you. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that, trust me-I know, but we really are our worst enemy. Please reach out to me anytime you need a listening ear. ❤️

I wish I knew what it was like to wake up and not want to kill myself. Even for a single day. I can escape the sweet solace of suicide calling for a few hours at a time, but at the end of the day, it’s still there. It’s comforting to think about not existing. Not being alive, not being here, no more pain, no more anything. It’s a nice thought. One I often get lost in. I crave to feel peace in any form and getting lost in my train of thoughts over the idea of not existing is my comfort zone. I wish I knew what it was like to want to be alive. Truthfully, the idea terrifies me. I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember. I do not remember what happy is. I’m good at being depressed and anxious and all of these horrible feelings are home for me. I do not know anything else.

While I wish there was a day I could wake up and be thankful for my existence, I cannot fathom the idea of waking up and not feeling like a prisoner in my own mind. Recovery is an unnerving concept. One that I am ready for but am very uncertain if it will ever come.

The holidays can be especially tough. You are not alone in your struggle. You are never alone. No matter where you are, there are always places to reach out to help you through. Please do not hesitate to contact any of these numbers if you are struggling or in crisis. For more options, check out the Resources page.

KidsHelpPhone Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada – 1-800-668-6868
First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness 24/7 Help Line – 1-855-242-3310
Canadian Indian Residential Schools Crisis Line – 1-866-925-4419
Trans LifeLine – All Ages – 1-877-330-6366
Alberta Crisis Line – All Ages – 403-266-4357
British Columbia Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-800-SUICIDE
British Columbia Mental Health Support – 310-6789
BC211 – Referral Hotline 24/7 Dial 211
Manitoba Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-877-435-7170
New Brunswick Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-800-667-5005
Newfoundland and Labrador Line All Ages – 1-888-737-4668
NWT All Ages 24/7 – 1-800-661-0844
Nova Scotia Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-888-429-8167
Nunavut Line – All Ages 7 pm-11 pm (EST) – 1-800-265-3333
Ontario Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-866-531-2600
Ontario College and University Students – 1-866-925-5454
Prince Edward Island Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-800-218-2885
Quebec National Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-866-277-3553
Saskatchewan Crisis Line – All Ages – 1-306-525-5333
Yukon Crisis Line – All Ages 7 pm-12 am (PST) – 1-844-533-3030

How many other people get told that they just need to change the way they think? I think that is a very unfair statement. Depression is so much more than “how we think.” And if thinking differently was an easy thing to do, we all would do it. I try very hard to change the way I think and perceive things and I try to be super positive. I am very optimistic when it comes to other people but that is not easily transferable to myself. It does not matter how positive of a person I can be- I am still depressed. Depression is not just the way you think, depression is a combination of many things. Depression is not caused because we think differently, we think differently because we are depressed.

My only goal with this page is that I raise awareness about mental illnesses and to reach people who might need to read some of what I have to say, yet I still get negative feedback about how I am so negative and need to change how I think. I do not believe there is a problem with the way I think. I believe there is a problem with how people perceive depressed people and anyone else with any other mental illnesses. Depression isn’t always a visual illness but it is very real and very much there.

2018 has really sucked. I’ve been really struggling with wanting to end my life and I have been lacking positive people in my life. Up until the end of this year, I have felt completely alone and hopeless. I have finally now just started to meet positive and loving people. One of the hardest things I have ever done has been cutting toxic people out of my life. I have always said *insert toxic persons name*’s company is better than none. Boy was I wrong! When I am literally hanging half off a bridge I need people to make me feel wanted and loved- instead I have been made to feel like life is hopeless and will not get better. When you are literally on the edge do not tell people how much life sucks, please remind them of how good things can be. Being told how awful everything sucks puts you in such a bad place. For weeks after that, I felt completely empty. I still sometimes do. Self harming and suicide is still something I contemplate on a daily basis but I am actually still glad I am here. I am thankful for all the people who are still here through all their struggles. Please keep going and cut out those toxic people. Being alone is not being worse than being around negative people.

If anyone ever needs to talk, please message me!

It may be 4 a.m. as I write this, while taking a break from compulsively cleaning my washroom, but in comparison to the alternative that I’ve been longing for- this is a huge win for me. I’ve really been trying hard lately to not self harm. When something harmful, such as cutting, has been a crutch for you for so long it is so hard to just stop. I feel like I’m fighting every instinct in my brain and body to not hurt myself in some way. While there are lots of people who cannot comprehend the appeal of self harming, there is an alarming amount of people who can relate and understand. That is just heartbreaking to me. It is very difficult to step out of that mindset and contact or reach out to someone but I urge you to. There are so many people who care and who can help. I’m not saying that reaching out is easy but I know how rewarding it can be.

If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, please send me a message. You are not alone in this, no matter how much you believe that you are. Sometimes we all need other people and that is okay. I’m still coming to terms with that myself- getting help is okay. Please take what help you can get. You matter very much. ❤️

Being a depressive with Generalized Anxiety Disorder often leads me to truly believe I am going mad. My thoughts never hush and trying to focus on a single thought or activity feels virtually impossible. Lately my brain has been more busy than usual. I am constantly overwhelmed to the point where death feels so inviting. Even just sitting down not doing a single thing feels like it is way too much. It really is hard to believe that others experience it- I truly feel as if I’ve gone mad. I am always looking for things to help ease my mind. Breathing exercises help some people, but not myself. One thing I have found to be useful is to ‘ground’ myself. One grounding exercise I practise is; finding 5 things I can see, 4 things I can feel or touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell and one thing I can taste.

What are other things you do to help ease your busy mind?